Top 7 Parenting Failures
(1) Healthy eating. It used to be a big craze with mothers to hide pureed fruits and vegetables into the evening meal. A bit of strained carrots in the marinara, butternut squash in meatloaf. But then it went too far with the spinach. Kids started to notice and across America told their parents to “stop screwing up the brownies.” Now, mothers just add extra chocolate chips and embrace their children’s impending obesity.
(2) Germ Prevention. There was a day everyone carried around antibacterial gel. At the playground, at the grocery store, at grandma’s house. After all, it prevented the spread of germs and helped when kids touched their butts and then their noses. Plus it smelled like sun-ripened raspberry. But the hysteria about how bad this gel was for humanity and the rise of resistant viruses meant mothers threw up their hands and said “if your fingers smell like poo that’s on you” and decided a little bacteria hurt no one and in reality only increased the profits of Bath & Body Works.
(3) Limiting Screen Time. Back in the day, screen time was limited to Saturday morning cartoons and the occasional drive-in movie. Now, teenagers live in a constant state of digital media euphoria. They cannot go from their rooms to the bathroom without a snapchat story. Parents everywhere said “it’s either this or heroin” and went back to drinking their chardonnay in peace.
(4) More Exercise. There was a strong push for exercise, back when children did things like walk to school or got bicycles for Christmas. Now with Fortnite and Instagram, there is no need to elevate the heart rate or walk unless it’s to the pantry for Doritos or posing for a photo, which may include dangling from a precarious ledge. But it’s okay because Ritalin automatically elevates the heartrate for the child so #winning #workoutsolved
(5) Increased Sleep. A strong attempt was made at getting our kids to rest more, since falling into a deep sleep is productive for the brain during the school day. But kids revolted, saying “I cannot possibly sleep without an essential oil diffuser” and “I really need a more comfortable memory foam pad.” But Tempur-Pedic mattresses were simply too expensive, so parents simply gave up and allowed children to be nocturnal vampires.
(6) Hydration. Parents used to push their children to drink more water and stay hydrated. But now with the advent of sparkling water options, it’s a never-ending fight about flavors. “But we don’t like the lime” and “this fizzy water is too fizzy” and “Wilson doesn’t understand the concept of recycling.” So parents just are now allowing their children to just suck on popsicles with wild abandon because who really cares. Without the antibacterial gel, everyone is sick anyway.
(7) Literacy. Reading used to be a highly esteemed family value. Fathers would sit around the fire and read books to their children while the mother bounced little babies on her knees. Then some kid got old enough to realize Huck Finn was just racist and disturbing, the mother was working until 8 pm because dad was laid off, and no one was listening anyway because they were all texting under the table and noshing on triple chocolate brownies. The entire system fell apart. No one read anymore. The nation’s vocabulary began to hover at a dangerously low 5th grade level. 3rd grade in Mississippi.
So, parents across our country decided they didn’t want any more children. They were seriously depressed and tired of continued failure.
But then one day, like a rainbow after a tsunami, one child ate a salad. It may have actually been pasta salad that contained only bits of cherry tomatoes, but who’s counting. Some kid named Margaret in East L.A. discovered she actually liked roasted broccoli dusted with parmesan. A boy named Roger from the Milwaukee went to sleep early on a Tuesday. Yes, they still name kids Roger.
Joy abounded across the land. Parents immediately stopped day-drinking and began to cook vegetables again, set bedtime routines, and everyone took a walk after dinner. Reading ensued, flax seed again appeared again in muffins, and mothers across the globe realized their failures just made them who they were #selflove #thankyoutherapy #hidetheveggies
Until some jerk put spinach in the brownies again, which started the whole downward spiral to begin with.
Here we go again with the popsicles.
