Repulsive Things that Were Somehow Perfectly Okay Pre-COVID
· Blowing mouth air all over candles on a birthday cake, making sure to blow forcefully so that all the germs get on every single piece. #generous
· Apple bobbing, popular since the dawn of the Fall Festival, which spread hand, food and mouth disease because you, an innocent child, put your mouth directly into a vat of other children’s saliva.
· The game of telephone, where you transported bad breath into the person’s ear next to you and then received germs on the other side. It’s a chain-link of influenza!
· Sticky popcorn balls some old lady created with her bare unwashed hands like a monster, made from popcorn, crack, and corn syrup, and then passed them out at Halloween so kids could crack their teeth.
· Cake decorating contests, where unvaccinated strangers who just moments ago were kissing their sloppy-faced Labradors and going maskless at political rallies put their faces directly over your cake within inches of its icing frame and said “why look at those roses!” and “What a clever use of fondant!”
· Keg stands, where everyone shared the same germ spigot. At least if it was liquor it would have acted as a natural sanitizer.
· Re: apple bobbing. Kids actually stuck their MOUTHS inside a vat of other children’s SPIT WATER and try to grab apples with their TEETH. This is why there used to be plagues. Do you want Yellow Fever, Sally? LINE UP HERE.
· Gyms, where sweaty people breathe heavily next to each other while grunting. We have had time and distance from Martin’s hairy legs and sweaty arm bands. No thank you. We won’t go back.