LISTEN UP NEIGHBORS: Instructions for the Local Swap Page
My Dear Neighbors,
I begin this greeting with a sincere thank you. Thank you for mowing your yards 1.5 inches above the earth (Mary Tetherman, this is your final warning) and thank you for rolling your trash cans back to your garages where they belong instead of clogging up our beautiful tree-lined streets. The exception of course is Mr. Smith down on Elm who died. I gave his children an extra day given their sudden loss. We here at Harmony Hills pride ourselves in compassion.
That being said, we need to have a discussion about the local neighborhood swap page. And when I say discussion I mean you can’t sell your nose trimmer that may be used in other places on your body to our neighbors no matter if it’s still in good condition and no matter if “it makes your skin feel smooth as butta and butta makes things slide really well.” I don’t even know what that means but it sounds pornographic and we don’t need to be mixing food references with personal hygiene. Mr. Thompson, you are no longer welcome here.
This was supposed to be a website dedicated to selling used dressers and end tables, but now it’s become an opportunity for people to sell overpriced rugs and bitch about the trash service. Listen here, Mary (yes, you with the shag carpet of a front lawn). You got that knock-off rug at TX Maxx on sale for fifty bucks. I know things. You’re just preying on the good hearts of our neighbors and I personally won’t stand for it.
And let’s be perfectly clear. Please stop posting millions of pairs of your children’s old worn-out toys and shoes that should be thrown in the dumpster. I personally don’t have children but if I did I would immediately throw away anything that had the type of odor I smell coming from the Smith’s five bedroom down on Maple. When I stroll past it on my walk there’s always some kid sniffling or busting a knee on skates. I think you should all just burn the items that have been on those children’s bodies. Do they ever shower?
Lastly, we don’t believe that you bought a skin care line in Paris, Tiffany Williams. You were in Las Vegas and bought some eye cream at the Eiffel Tower gift shop when you were drunk last November. I heard all about that. So don’t try to sell us a gondola ride down the strip mall river.
If you have a used dresser, you’re welcome to post it on the site. If you have a couch that’s not ruined by your stupid cats, that’s fine as well. We pride ourselves in being helpful and thrifty. But if you ever post another Burberry purse and say “I bought this full price but only used it once” we will RUIN YOU. Nobody buys a purse and uses it one time. We at Harmony Hills simply aren’t stupid. Well the jury’s still out on Sam Daniels because despite marriage counseling he still can’t seem to get enough of that Tiffany Williams.
Sincerely,
Katie Daniels (soon to be changed upon my upcoming divorce)
