Inappropriate Listings on the Neighborhood Swap Page
(1) Dirty Used Sneakers
These were worn by our son as a child and we just couldn’t seem to part with them. He is now working a dead-end job in Detroit and it’s time to clean out our closets for good. We used to set them by our bed every night as a tribute to his youth, when the future held so much promise for him. We thought he would grow up to be a lawyer or doctor, but sadly, no. These shoes are nike, size 8, and a little stained by our tears. “But computer programming is the future,” he says to us. Just turned 35 but still no girlfriend. It’s time to let go of our dreams.
(2) Kitchenaid Mixer
This appliance is very popular in any well-equipped gourmet kitchen. Sure it’s twenty years old, slightly cracked, and whips slower than most traditional stand mixers. Think of it like your elderly grandmother who’s making a pie. She has all day, why rush her? Let this baby whip nice and slow. There is no paddle attachment, but you have arms, don’t you?
(3) Room for Rent
Looking for a nice woman who needs a reasonably priced room for rent. Queen bed, bathroom with garden tub, access to kitchen and pool, all for $500 a month. I am a responsible homeowner and single man who just wants someone to cook for, watch movies with on the weekend (I mean occasionally, I’m not a weirdo) and maybe go out to dinner some Fridays. I mean, it’s not expected but would be appreciated if the renter could enjoy a glass of wine with me on the deck from time to time. I also have a king size bed with silk sheets, not that it matters but IT MAY MATTER TO YOU IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN.
(4) Beautiful Midcentury dresser
I bought this off the swap last year but apparently the people who owned it smoked like chimneys so it just reeks of cigarettes and sadness. I filled all the drawers with baking soda, set it in my garage that’s pumped with ozone, and have dunked the entire thing in a vat of deodorizing spray but the scent of unfiltered camels is still wafting through. I am not being dramatic: this shit smells. But it’s a great beautiful piece that can easily be stripped down to the bare wood fibers, bleached, and encased in a polyurethane coating and then it’s good as new! $50 OBO to haul this stinker out of my garage.
(5) Old Computer for Sale! Good price!
I am selling this well-loved Commodore 64 computer from 1989. It includes access to one very fun game where a clown travels across the screen going back and forth collecting balloons on its head. You should try it — it’s hard! The screen is only in green and black which is great for those people sensitive to blue light. It takes twenty minutes to warm up.
(6) Room for Rent (Again!)
The woman who lived here before moved out without explanation. I texted her seventeen times asking why but she filed a restraining order. Rude! It’s a perfectly wonderful place, it’s $500 a month, and it has a garden tub. What more do you need? If you like Pinot Noir on the deck, I’m flexible. It doesn’t always have to be chardonnay is what I’m saying. I never sold my former listings so I can bake for you, although it takes a few days to get the mixer going. I have a computer game you can play in your free time that involves a clown. Call today!
