Come Relax in Our Perky Pelican Condo
Who needs an expensive place when you can come relax at our reasonably-priced condo filled with pelicans?
Are you tired of working from home? Sick of boring weekends? We know that sometimes, an expensive condo at the beach filled with light blue couches and peaceful wave photos are simply out of reach. Who needs an expensive place when you can come relax at our reasonably-priced condo filled with pelicans?
As you walk in, you will be surrounded in our spacious front hall with actual stuffed birds that give the place a natural feel. They are perched in a web of netting, welcoming you to a week of vacation with rainbow trout dangling in their large fibrous skin pouches. They used to be animatronic and made rasping squawks as you walked by, but management made us turn off the noise when one guest had a heart attack.
Our condo is beautifully decorated with everything from the sea. We understand where you come from, it may be filled with cornfields and sadness, but here at Perky Pelican Condo we have hand-selected items from the shore and displayed them around the living room so you can play a real-life I-Spy game from the couch. Is that an old soda bottle? Is that a used needle, a sand dollar, someone’s cigarette, and a piece of styrofoam? Is that a pelican dangling from the ceiling with fishing line, as if to swoop down like a dive bomber to attack you for being in their nesting area? YES IT IS!
Our condo is filled with a tasteful collection of beach-themed art, from a seahorse wearing sunglasses, palm trees laden with coconuts, to a photo of an old sailor smoking a pipe holding a mug of ale. That was Big John, a legend around these parts. We have totally de-bunked the rumor about him killing his wife, chopping it up with fish parts, dumping her body at sea, and selling tobacco to minors.
We also like to keep things light, so we have signs displayed around the condo reminding you to relax, and that fun is mandatory! Literally. We have cameras and will check. Remember, the beach is where salt actually lowers your blood pressure!
Let your cares drift away as we remind you that LIFE IS BETTER IN FLIP FLOPS and NO CRABBY ATTITUDES. We even have inspirational messages like BE A PELICAN, NOT A PELLICAN’T! In every room there are signs. Signs everywhere. We never ever get tired of funny beach signs. Aren’t they fun? Sea you at the beach!
Here at Perky Pelican Condo, we believe colors found in nature are healing and restorative. That is why each wall in the living room is painted a different color. Tropical turquoise to represent the sea, bubble gum to represent the sunset, orange soda to represent the pelican’s pouch, and matte grey to represent the storms that rage through our little beach town, causing major flooding and property damage.
We simply don’t like empty spaces, so we put shells everywhere we could think of. We covered the medicine cabinet with sand dollars. We changed out the cabinet pulls with conches. And instead of plates in the kitchen, we just ask that you eat out of molluscan clam shells. Try not to think about how these sea creatures were killed alive just for the commercial value of their shells, which has a strong negative impact upon the local ecosystem.
This year, we did a major renovation to add an aquarium in the bedroom, which is a wonderful perk because you can see a medium-sized shark swimming around lazily in its little home, and not at all ready to kill you. You just need to feed it every day. It likes to eat fish, but please don’t give it the stuffed fish in the pelican’s mouth. That is for decoration only. Just drop in some carp from the bait and tackle store. Don’t worry! There is nothing it can do to you!*
*If there is a breach in the aquarium and it cracks and explodes and a shark ends up thrashing around on the floor, please don’t think, “Oh! It’s like a dolphin!,” and pet it or stroke its smooth skin. It is not a dolphin: it is a shark. Our lawyer made us say this.
We know you will have a wonderful time at Perky Pelican Condo. Come visit us soon, and remember that the lower the latitude, the better your attitude!
Amanda Hill is a lawyer, writer, and mother. Her writing has appeared on sites like Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Scary Mommy, The Belladonna, Blog Her, and The High Calling. Her website is www.amandahillwrites.com and she maintains an old-school blog at www.hillpen.com. She can be found on Facebook as @AmandaBethHill.
