A Stepmother’s Contract
This Agreement is between Stepmother and Stepchildren and operates completely outside the laws of any state because this arrangement is bat-shit crazy.
Whereas Stepmother married Father; and
Whereas Stepchildren are alive as children of Father; and
Whereas the above-referenced parties are hereby put in a strange relationship of pseudo parent/child even though that’s not true and just last month she was just the “cool lady who bought Starbucks” but now she annoys Stepchildren and tells them to come down for dinner but Stepchildren say “that doesn’t really work for us” and “we hate chicken.”
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants and conditions herein contained, the parties agree to the following:
Section 1: Duties of Stepmother
(a) Stepmother shall accept the role of mother in the fact that she cleans, does laundry, cooks dinner, says “did you do your homework” and the occasional “are you going to wear that;”
(b) Stepmother shall not react negatively when Stepchildren (i) roll eyes; (ii) say “you are not our mother so shut the f*$& up” and/or run out of the room while yelling;
(c) Stepmother is expected to make after-school treats and rise with a sunny disposition and “just be your fun self!” as friends often say;
(d) Stepmother shall have full authority to scream in pillows if and when she finds it necessary;
(e) Stepmother shall be able to yell at Stepfather inside the privacy of their own bedroom and outside the earshot of children with words like “are they really trying to kill me?” and “I didn’t sign up for this,” and
(f) Stepmother shall not be required to accomplish (a)-(e) above if she’s tired or is drinking wine or The Crown is starting a new season or it’s Wednesday.
Section 2: Duties of Stepchildren
(a) Eat the food that Stepmother cooks.
(b) Or not.
(c) Mind Stepmother.
(d) Or not.
(e) Apparently there are no real rules and they can just do whatever and whenever if it suits them please your royal highnesses can I get you some more soda anything I can do to make your life more pleasant YES I KNOW I AM NOT YOUR FREAKING MOTHER I REALIZE SHE IS PERFECT WHILE I AM SCUM THAT FLOATS ON OLD MOLDY WATER.
Term: This Agreement shall last as long as your Stepmother is fit for duty and is not in a mental institution. She is not going to ever go through another horrible divorce so guess what, Stepchildren. You’re stuck with her now.
Financial Obligations: There is no pay for Stepmother and it’s cool that the children didn’t get Stepmother a single stick of gum for a Christmas gift but of course they can have twenty bucks and she’s glad you loved all the handmade treasures and treats and special things because she’s all about buying your love. Happy Wednesday!
Indemnification: Children shall hereby indemnity and hold harmless any harm, claim, or injury caused by a crazy act of screaming by Stepmother because they probably deserved it.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have executed this Agreement not under sound mind or body because Stepchildren are teenagers and secretly wish Stepmother would die from being stabbed with butter knives and/or just leave them alone until they are 30 and need a babysitter for their own children.
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Stepmother’s signature (plus date and time and notary stamp because she’s uber responsible and has her shit together)
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Yeah right like the kids are going to sign anything
