Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·Oct 1, 2021Ten Things to Look Forward To(In a Globally Warm Fall in the Near Future) — (1) Pumpkin everything! There is no fertile ground for growing actual pumpkins anymore, stripped of nutrients and a lack of water due to widespread droughts. Instead of orange-dotted acres with pony rides and hay bales, kids are sitting inside next to air purifiers. However, you can now buy a variety…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Sep 21, 2021Inappropriate Listings on the Neighborhood Swap Page(1) Dirty Used Sneakers These were worn by our son as a child and we just couldn’t seem to part with them. He is now working a dead-end job in Detroit and it’s time to clean out our closets for good. We used to set them by our bed every…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in The Belladonna Comedy·May 5, 2021Come Relax in Our Perky Pelican CondoWho needs an expensive place when you can come relax at our reasonably-priced condo filled with pelicans? — Are you tired of working from home? Sick of boring weekends? We know that sometimes, an expensive condo at the beach filled with light blue couches and peaceful wave photos are simply out of reach. Who needs an expensive place when you can come relax at our reasonably-priced condo filled…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Apr 22, 2021A Failed Attempt to End My Marriage Using a Scrabble GameI have tried to end this marriage many times but I can’t seem to get the words out. Naturally, I am depending on a game that’s all about spelling words. Sure, it may be passive aggressive, but ending my marriage by spelling out my intentions on a game board by…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Mar 19, 2021Lawsuit by the Family Dog and Counterclaim by OwnerCOMPLAINT FOR INJUNCTIVE RELIEF (AND DOG TREATS) Plaintiff Murphy the Dog (hereinafter “Murphy”) hereby seeks declaratory and injunctive relief against Negligent Dog Owner (hereinafter “Dog Hater”) plus makes a special request for treats based upon the following allegations: NATURE OF THE ACTION 1. Plaintiff brings this cause of action under…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Mar 19, 2021Repulsive Things that Were Somehow Perfectly Okay Pre-COVID· Blowing mouth air all over candles on a birthday cake, making sure to blow forcefully so that all the germs get on every single piece. #generous · Apple bobbing, popular since the dawn of the Fall Festival, which spread hand, food and mouth disease because you, an innocent child…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Mar 4, 2019Hip Hop Lyrics, As Explained by a Middle-Aged MotherLyric: The AP goin’ psycho, my Rollie goin’ brazy -Post Malone Meaning: If you are going to drop $20K on a Audemars Piguet watch, it shouldn’t go psycho. It should tell time, like watches are supposed to do. I own a watch from…Music3 min readMusic3 min read
Oct 25, 2018Top 7 Parenting Failures(1) Healthy eating. It used to be a big craze with mothers to hide pureed fruits and vegetables into the evening meal. A bit of strained carrots in the marinara, butternut squash in meatloaf. But then it went too far with the spinach. Kids started to notice and across America…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Feb 13, 2018A Stepmother’s ContractThis Agreement is between Stepmother and Stepchildren and operates completely outside the laws of any state because this arrangement is bat-shit crazy. Whereas Stepmother married Father; and Whereas Stepchildren are alive as children of Father; and Whereas the above-referenced parties are hereby put in a strange relationship of pseudo parent/child…Parenting Advice4 min readParenting Advice4 min read
Feb 7, 2018LISTEN UP NEIGHBORS: Instructions for the Local Swap PageMy Dear Neighbors, I begin this greeting with a sincere thank you. Thank you for mowing your yards 1.5 inches above the earth (Mary Tetherman, this is your final warning) and thank you for rolling your trash cans back to your garages where they belong instead of clogging up our…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
